Stuck in the 3rd World

So as of late I have been neglecting my blog quite a bit..... The ONLY reason for this is being trapped in the back of beyond with little to no internet access at time (I know alot of people cannot relate to this but try to visualize the discomfort this would bring to your lives)
I have however had no shortage of debacherous stories to share with you all.
Let me begin shall I? *Ahem*
So as we all know my home country of Zimbabwe has in the past suffered from a rather "rough" existence.... Let this not fool you into thinking there is a lack of things to do or Night Clubs with poles to dance on.
I may add on Friday night (after my Last exam) things got a little out of control at 2 of Zimbabwe's finest bars/clubs.
 Two clubs! I Know I Cant Believe It Either! (They don't have Caramel Vodka - beggars cant be choosers in Zimbabwe "any thing that does the job alcohol wise" will do - I'm pretty sure I have drunk petrol disguised as Vodka before but that is another story for another day)
After my BFF Starfish threw a little "Punky has finished exams and can now drink like a fish" party in my honour I arrived at Tin Roof and managed "have my A game" some how.  You know what I love about Zim guys? You DONT have to talk to them for 3 hours and suggest marriage just to get them to buy you a drink or give you their space at the bar or open your car door.  There is one thing I cannot  deny Zimbabwean boys are gentlemen.  Always have been, always will be.  Chivalry is not dead boys - don't act like it is.  I dont remember much due to the copious amounts of Patron I swallowed - I am NOT cheating on my beloved Caramel Vodka (CV will always hold my heart - We are just on a "break")
We then some how ended up at Axiom - I do not remember much from then on but I'm pretty sure I licked some gentleman's bicep in appreciation for his "Puppies" I am pretty sure I then asked him if he would like me to take him to the local vet for a check up cos his puppies were so sick.  HAVE I NO SHAME?
All in all.  I shamed myself and had a ball swimming with the big fish in a very little pond.  Mama Starfish and Papa Starfish would be so proud. Not.
Peace Punky Out

Apparently some people can't "Forgive and Forget"

For those of you who don’t know about the Zimbabwean land reform program:

10ish years ago (I forget the year – I was little ok, gimme a break) the Zimbabwean Government decided to enforce something called “The Land Reform Programme”  I’m not going to go into the detail of what the land reform program entails or how it treated the farmers that were forcibly and violently removed   of their land. 

I felt that with all the studying and diligent student activities I have been participating in recently I would instead of watching Jersey Shore Re-Runs, Jerseylicious, or any trashy E! Entertainment programmes go for a walk around the farm.  So I head out.  I decide to do about 5kms and head up to the top land that boarders with “The War Veterans land” (I put it in inverted commas because it is actually OUR farm but it just got stolen from us and is now his).  So there I am with my iPod on (I am scared of bushes that make noise – hence the iPod instead of enjoying nature) and I see the War Veteran out with his family ploughing his lands.  Oh and also crops are supposed to be put in in November and reaped in May obviously he is a thief and an idiot who doesn’t know how to farm. Back to the War Vet. They are all staring at me so I made a decision to way and shout “HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?” to which he replied to with giving me the bird and shouting “BURIYAKO”.  For those of you who don’t speak Shona, saying Buriyako to someone is the harshest form of abuse or swearing you can say to someone it’s like shouting “EF YOU” at someone times like a million. 

I don’t know why that jerk faced idiot yelled Buriyako at me but surely if ANYONE should still be angry it should be me?  This is the same prick who along with his gang of War Vets attacked our house (when I was all of say 13yrs old) when my sister and I were fast asleep inside with neither of our parents in the house and then held us captive for hours and then set fire to our house so we couldn’t escape, luckily we managed to get evacuated but if we hadn’t I doubt I would be here to write this blog.  AND HE IS STILL ANGRY? 

So much for forgive and forget. 

Johannesburg to Harare

Any drive over 2 hours is never pleasant.  Maybe if I drove a Ferrari or an Aston Martin driving long distances would be a pleasure, I don’t know?  (If anyone wants to lend me, or give me a Ferrari or Aston Martin now would be the time to step up, just saying).

 Punky gets car sick. I have tried ALL the wives tales and hard drugs to try and fix this but the fact of the matter is no amount of sitting on newspaper to rubbing the pressure points on my wrist to popping pills will or has worked, however I am always willing to try new ones so if you have any motion sickness remedies, comment away or tweet at me and I’ll be the dummy who tries them out and lets you know how it goes.  That being said if I am not driving then my whole trip is a blur of nausea and trying to concentrate on not blowing chucks all over whoever is driving. 

My big sister is moving back to Zimbabwe from Cape Town we shall call her Punky Snr.  So my Dad drove down to Johannesburg from Zimbabwe to escort my sister and I home encase my sisters car broke down or anything on the drive home.  Little did we know the drive was the least of our problems – Beitbridge Boarder Post was!

Now I love my sister, she is my favourite person on the planet, but good gawd, i HATE her music taste.  She has to have been reincarnated , she has to the be only 26yr old I know who has EVERY Kenny Rogers Album and actually listens to country music not just the more commercial  likes of Taylor Swift, she listens to ALL of it.  1hr in and we have already had a fight over the choice of music.  I spent 3 hours the night before while EVERYONE was sleeping to compose the most AMAZING compilation of music to make our drive into the greatest road trip ever. I take music VERY seriously!  I had made sure there was a perfect mix of all our music preferences it went from Black Eyed Peas to John Mayer to Rise Against to 30 Seconds to Mars etc etc it was spectacular.  Punky was proud of her mix.  I really was!  3 songs in Punky Snr “WTF is this music, it’s so heavy I hope we aren’t listening to this the whole trip, when can I put MY music on”.  We were listening to 30 Seconds to Mars.  Heavy? Really? REALLY! I will not be listening to Kenny Rogers for the next 6 hours.  However I won and by the time I got to the Zimbabwe when my sisters took over control of the radio i changed cars and carried on jamming – I will NOT risk my ears bleeding.

So the Zimbabwe side of the Beitbridge boarder is a Pig Fest.  You literally arrive and your car gets swamped by agents who can to quote “Get you through immigration no problem boss, we do it quick quick”.  It is so bad that you actually start feeling scared.  There must have been around 15 men surrounding each of our cars trying to shove blue immigration forms into our faces.  However the queue to get into immigration is about 1km along so we thought “Hey we’ll pay more and get it done quickly without having to stand in the queue”.  How naive we were, they totally hit the mother load when they saw us coming.  We got conned, totally and utterly conned.  The guy disappeared with the roughly the equivalent of R5000 of our money to pay to get clearance etc.  Livid!  My parental unit nearly has a fit he was so angry and threatened everyone and anyone until the slimy little twit slithered out of the dark room, threw our cash at us and ran away faster than Usain Bolt with my father chasing after him.   Viva Dad Viva!

And that was our welcome to Zimbabwe.  God.  Nothing like being home huh?  5 minutes in the country and someone has already asked for a bribe and tried to steal for us.  You all really MUST come on holiday its fantastic.  Note the sarcasm

Starfish leaves to swim in the English sea....

I hate Farewells.
I hate Good Byes.
I hate Airports.
I hate it when people leave.  
It sucks.


One of my starfish is leaving to swim in the big bad cold British sea for an indefinite period of time - It sucks when they leave but it sucks even more when they leave and you don't know when you are ever going to see them again.  Luckily being Zimbabwean and having had half of my friends move away to more stable countries with slightly better economies (Considering Mugabe went on record to say "The Zimbabwean Economy is the envy of the world") around the world I am quite used to good byes, but they still suck so so so bad.  


So I am just going to ignore the fact that said starfish is going swimming in another rock pool and just get on with the interesting stuff (the slorey behaviour and copious drinking, cos I know that all anyone cares about  - The only kind of mail is Black Mail after all) *Hi Mom* 


So since said starfish has German roots (I'm not sure if this is why this interesting little watering hole in the middle of nowhere was chosen or if it was chosen just because it was huge? Must. Find. Answers).   Anyhootenhausen - So we all met at Schwabinger Stuben - don't ask me where it is because I could not, even if my life depended on it tell you.  In true German style, we ate, and we drank and we were merry.  Then we decided to take our jolly selves to Greenside.  Now contrary to popular belief, I myself am not a Greenside fan, maybe its because my starfish  enjoy the snobby, pretentious, jock filled watering hole that they call 'The Office" 
Let me describe the kind of people who like to go to 'The Office" - Firstly it is the kind of people who find the name 'The Office' mildly amusing, so it would be the kind of people who work in offices, from lawyers, accountants, investment bankers and basically anyone else who lives a corporate semi boring life during the week and then find the thought of going to a place named 'The Office' to socialize amusing.  As you can tell, I am not a fan.  
However this Saturday, I decided that I can no longer spend my Saturdays in a place that I dislike and decided to pop into Gin even if my Office loving starfish describe the place as "Dark, dingy with a hint of stale vomit in the air'' - Now, don't let that put you off - Gin is the bomb diggity!   Ok so they don't serve Caramel Vodka but that isn't make or break for me yet (however I did inform the manager, waiter and anyone who would listen that it needed to be stocked asap).
Let me describe Gin: The people are fun, the music is good, the drinks are cheap and the talent it out. of. this. world.  Starfish and I spotted possibly the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life (Yes, I know I say that a lot - but you all know how I tend to exaggerate well everything... this time I am 95.72% certain) I mean I even shoot in a semi-down poor outside just so one of the Starfish and myself could stare at it, just a little bit longer.  
I also think at one point during the evening I stood on a table and shook my booty to the sounds of Black eyed Peas **Blushes** I just can control myself, I feel like the BEP song "Dirty Bitch" should just be dedicated to me and my starfishes and our slore behaviour.  


I'm going to miss my little Starfish, drinks were consumed, memories were made, farewells were said and I wouldn't have it any other way.


And to end off remember this:

Vodka is like Black - it goes with everything. - F.P. Rogers